Malikei from the United States
Editors note: As you might notice, this story is slightly different than what you normally see on SoS. I chose to publish this story because I think it is important to remember that our sexuality is an ever changing, ever developing part of us. It is important that we remember to listen to that part of ourselves and find a way to be happy in our own skin.
At twenty-two I started what I call my “T-puberty.”
I had recently come out as transgendered and started taking testosterone shots, once a week, right in the butt. Thankfully I had a few good friends to help out.
One thing a lot of people don’t know is that when you start testosterone, you go through a second puberty. It’s not just a regular puberty either. You are experiencing male puberty but with a biologically female body and the whole experience is in overdrive because it happens in six months, instead of over a period of years. And of course, you are often the only one going through it in your peer group.
My second puberty was much more of a sexual awakening and understanding of myself sexually than my girl puberty. I already had this understanding of what masturbation and intercourse were but I had a new sense of self this time around.
In my experience, around the second to the fifth month of taking testosterone is a really rough transition. You are not only dealing with the change of your dominant hormone going from estrogen to testosterone, but there are also mood swings, mental changes, physical changes, everything teenage boys go through, but really condensed.
During that period I would joke that my moods where eat, sleep, fuck, fight. That’s all I could feel thanks to the testosterone. I would spend the majority of my day either sleeping, eating or a combination of the two. Then there would be the masturbatory marathons. At one point, I did it over forty times in a single day.
Since I was only twenty-two, I wasn’t that far away from that period where I went through puberty as a girl and experienced my mind and body change in that way. My testosterone puberty was so much different though because it was so strong, so condensed. Plus I was already an adult at that point, so I had a much better self-awareness of what was going on.
Another thing that happens when you take testosterone is that the clitoris enlarges in size and the sensitivity skyrockets. For at least two months I would wake up essentially with a hard on and would be so aroused that I couldn’t leave my bed until I masturbated at least twice. I was really happy at that point that I didn’t physically have a penis because I would have been walking around with a boner all of the time. During this period, I would randomly be doing things and just lose control.
I used to run a restaurant in Portland and one time at work I was just mindlessly doing my things and went over to use the blender. As I leaned against the counter, the vibration went from the blender to the counter and then to my crotch. Right then and there, I lost it and orgasmed in front of everyone. I started freaking out and told my coworkers I had to go. I went outside and took a brisk walk in the rain to get ahold of myself again. When I came back, they were worried and asked if everything was all right. I just told them I didn’t want to talk about it.
Similar things would happen when I was driving. For a while, the vibrations from the car or the bumps in the road were too much. I literally had to lift my butt off of the seat while I drove. It didn’t help that the roads in Portland are terrible and super bumpy.
Before starting testosterone, I would walk down the street and see an attractive person and I would just think wow that’s a really attractive person, that’s really nice. I would just note it in my head and that’s it. During this particularly intense testosterone period, I would see an attractive person and immediately be like I want to fuck them. It would be all I could think about. It was kind of horrifying because I never saw myself as that kind of person but it was also fascinating to realize how much hormones influence people and the way they think.
After coming out as trans, I was able to come to my full truth. I’m queer, I enjoy sex with women, I enjoy sex with men, I enjoy sex with non-gender binary people. I learned so much during my second puberty but I am also really glad that it’s over.
Read more from Malikei here