Emma from Switzerland
When I was around seven years old, my friend and I started playing what we called “Mom and Dad.” She always played the dad/husband and I always played the mom/wife.
We always had jobs. I, as the woman, worked in a very modern office. My friend as the man in the relationship, either worked at an office as well or as a gym instructor. When we played that we both worked in offices, we would work at the same office. This would always be how we met. I would get a cup of coffee and bump into her and we would immediately fall in love because we thought that’s how love works.
If she was playing a gym instructor, I would go and get some tips on how to work out properly. She would touch me and show me some exercises. It was always then that I realized I fell in love with her/him. We would talk about our attraction towards one another and go on a date, which would always be to go out and eat. She, as the man, would invite me of course. Then I’d invite her/him to my apartment where we got intimate. I can’t remember how it first started; we just wanted to show each other how mature we could be.
We would lay on top of each other in our underwear, she would have a tennis ball or something in her panties. Sometimes we would kiss but most of the time we would just lay there. We would always wipe our mouths with our hands first though so the kiss wouldn’t be wet, because god forbid we taste each others saliva. We thought that was gross. It wasn’t erotic in any way but we felt very mature for doing something we thought adults did all the time.
Sometimes we would continue playing, going to work the next day, coming home, having dinner and then having sex again. Most of the time the play ended after we “had sex” though. We would figure out new roles and start all over. The getting to know each other part was much more important because there was this intense build-up, even though we both knew how it was going to end.
We always played this game at my place, never at hers. I guess because she was Turkish and her parents would get really mad. My mom walked in on us once and asked why we were in our underwear. We said that we were playing “babies.”
Maybe she knew, maybe she didn’t. I honestly have no clue. She just laughed and asked if we wanted some snacks or if she should bring us our bottles. I think she just went with it. She probably would have felt uncomfortable if she really knew what we were doing behind closed doors. Even though I think what we were doing was normal, I don’t know if she would have.
I told my younger brother that I was playing this game and he thought it sounded like fun so we tried it too. I just thought it would be nice to actually play with someone male. We never kissed though; we would just lay on top of each other, somehow exploring our bodies, which were so differently formed. I don’t think we realized what we were doing at first.
When we started playing the game, we didn’t know that we crossed a line. The awareness of doing something forbidden or something just not suitable for brother and sister to do came later on. The realization of what sexuality means or what intimacy means on the other hand, comes a lot earlier than most people might realize.
My brother and I have always been very close and we still are. After a while though, I as the older sibling started to realize that one shouldn’t be intimate with ones brother in the way my brother and I were and I told him I didn’t want to play this game any more. He was disappointed because he liked the sensation our intimacy gave him. He was younger, probably only six years old and he didn’t have a clue what this kind of physical sensation meant, he just enjoyed it.
We never talked about it and even if I know that what we did is normal in terms of our development, I feel a little embarrassed. This experience is also something I have never told anyone, not even my girlfriend of many years, even though we always say we have no secrets. I just don’t feel comfortable thinking about the kind of sensation that was between my brother and I when we played this game.
My brother and I are still very close. We hug often, we’re really good friends and can also show physical affection, everything on a normal level though, nothing intimate anymore. But still, sometimes I feel like there’s something between us holding us back from getting closer. Sometimes there would be a random touch while talking or doing something. A touch that doesn’t intend anything but we both twitch back just a little.
The knowledge that we were once so intimate with each other is still present in both our minds I guess. It’s like a constant reminder to not get closer. Also when we watched Game of Thrones together and the incest scene between Cersei and Jamie Lannister first came up, we both started to feel awkward.
At some point my friend and I stopped playing the game as well. It’s not that we became aware of the intimacy or anything, we just didn’t want to play anymore. Other games were more appealing, more fun, more interesting.
This girl and I went to school together until we were about fourteen, then we parted ways, finding each other again when we were all grown up. We got drunk one night and started talking about this game. We were both rolling on the floor laughing because at first it was so awkward. Then we just started talking about how weird it was that I, who always played the female part, ended up being a lesbian and she, who always played the male part, is straight. We thought about how our game could have been an indicator for my sexuality now.
We both studied psychology so we know this is a normal thing for children to do as soon as they start becoming aware of their own bodies. That’s also why we’re not ashamed of it. Exploring ones sexuality has nothing to do with sex but rather with becoming aware of your own body. We both know what we did is not embarrassing in any way because it’s normal for kids at that age.
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